The safety wall

There are not many people who really know me, because there are not many people who I let get very close to me. There's a reason for that--almost everyone in my life who I've let in close has ended up hurting me.

I think that most of my friends think I am a strong person. They're wrong. I'm fragile and weak, and that's why I put up this wall. Every time I've let somebody in, trusted someone not to hurt me, just to find that trust was misplaced, it hurts so much that I think I can't do it again, can't trust someone else. So that people can't see how weak I really am, I usually hide the extent of the hurt. You might catch me shedding a tear or two, but most of the crying I do will be in my pillow at night. And still, for some reason, I eventually let somebody else in, past the safety wall.

There is one person in my life who knows me better than anybody else. And he is the one person who I've never worried about letting too close, because he is the one person I thought I would never have to worry about hurting me. Now that I realize I was wrong about that, I'm back to square one when it comes to deciding who is "safe" to let in.

Do you remember when your parents or teachers told you to be careful what you say, because you can't take words back? It seems simplistic, but there is so much wisdom in that advice. I love to write because I love words. When wielded correctly, they are both beautiful and powerful. But anything that is powerful is also dangerous, and words spoken in anger can be terrible, terrible things.

Back in my teenage years, I had a problem with my temper. I came by it honestly, from my mom. But when I saw through her how much damage it could do to those who mean the most to you, I decided I didn't want to do that to those I love. So I worked very hard at learning to control my temper, and it's not always easy. Sometimes it still gets the best of me, but there is a line I will not cross, there are things I will not say. More often, though, I probably surpress anger more than I should. Maybe that's not the best way, but to me, it's better then taking the chance of saying something I can't take back, of crossing a line that can't be crossed back over.

But what do you do when someone else crosses that line?