Revelation

I think I'm making a lot progress on this little journey of self-exploration I've begun. After my whole conversation with my ex last night (let's call him Mack to protect the innocent but make it for easier future reference), and my entry about that conversation, I had a revelation about why I end up with guys who treat me badly.

As I said last night, Mack was one guy I've had something serious with that always treated me well, and when I ended things with him, I really hurt him, and I had a hard time with that. I think I took a lot of personal responsibility for that, and I have let it affect my future relationships. I've met good guys who would have treated me well, and who I liked since Mack. But every time I have, I've never let myself get too close. I've always been afraid that if I did get close, but then for some reason it didn't work out, I would end up hurting a really nice guy again. So I keep my distance from the nice guys and open myself up to the guys that will hurt me. It's like I can tolerate being hurt myself better than I can handle hurting someone else again.

The result of this has been that now I've been hurt so much by those guys that I'm ready again for a nice guy. BUT I still have serious trust issues that I need to get past. AND it seems like now I'm so ready for a nice guy that when I find one, I'm willing to look past all the little things that might make things not work, and just jump right in.

So the lesson I've got to learn now...patience. That'll be a tough one.