Until I realized that I was one of those people, and I have a close friend who is one of those people. But we don't have low self-esteem. Sure, we have the occasional moments of self-doubt, but for the most part, we know where we stand. We're both intelligent, fun, attractive, personable women, with a lot to offer.
But when you always end up in relationships that never seem to work, that are more work than enjoyment, you start to wonder why. For some people, I think the issue is self-esteem. For us, though, I think the issue is eternal optimism.
We are good people. Most of the people we knew growing up, and the people we keep closest to us now are good people. So we want to see the good in everyone. This unwavering belief in the goodness of people often leads us down one of two roads: Ignoring the Bad or Ignoring the Issues.
Ignoring the Bad
We see something innately good about someone--they're helpful to those less fortunate, they're unselfish, they're respectful of their elders. Whatever it is, we see it, and come to the conclusion that this is a good person, this is someone worth having in our lives. When something shows us the not-so-good side of this person, we ignore it, believing the good far outweighs it. Sometimes it does. But the problem with our eternal optimism is that we want so much to believe in the good of that person, we don't know how to draw a line, how to let go, can't recognize when the bad outweighs the good--when it's not worth it anymore. So we hang on to a sinking ship.
Ignoring the Issues
Sometimes it's not that there's something bad about a person that we're ignoring. Sometimes it just doesn't work. There's something keeping this person from providing what we need in a relationship--maybe an inability to communicate, unwillingness to commit, or just different life situations--but we so admire the good in this person, that we think we can work around it. And again, we hang on to a second ship.
Paving a New Road
When it comes down to it, I don't want to stop seeing the good in people, I don't want to be a cynic. But I don't want a string of failed relationships and a broken and bruised heart either. So I'm paving a new road. I'll still look for the good in people; but I'm adding some requirements to the list of what I need from a partner, besides just being "good." And if someone doesn't meet those standards, I won't keep holding on, trying to make it work. Just because I believe in someone's goodness doesn't mean I need them in my life, or that it's healthy for them to be there.
What I Need and Deserve
To officially turn down this new road, I'm putting in writing what I need (not just want) and deserve from anyone I choose to love:
- Honesty, respect and commitment
- Shared life goals and values
- Someone who can voice their feelings for me
- Someone who treasures me/someone I treasure
- Someone who tells me what I'm worth
- Someone who tells me I'm beautiful and makes me believe it
- Someone who makes me laugh and who can hold me when I cry
- Someone who will tuck me in at night if I fall asleep on the couch
- Someone who sees all my flaws and loves me anyway
The assignment for those of you reading this who've fallen into the same behavior pattern--make your own list, and leave it as a comment.
3 comments:
OK, so what is sad is that I had everything on your list for a while. What do you do when someone has everything on your list, then decides to start systematically crossing things off?
As much as I'd like to find someone who has all of those qualifications, the reality is that I don't think he exists. Even those good people we grew up with have their imperfections. All I can hope for is someone to love and who loves me enough to make the effort to be those things.
It's not about being perfect, it's about being enough, about two people who can give each other what the other needs. And there is someone out there for each of us who is enough--but too often we settle for less.
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